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Satire: Emerging player Shoaib Malik vows to get better against pace with experience

The rookie all-rounder demanded that anything above 140 kph should be declared a weapon of mass destruction


Young Pakistani all-rounder Shoaib Malik has vowed to work on his batting against pace bowling. After being dismissed by searing pace of Pat Cummins, Malik assured fans that this perceived weakness is just a ploy to surprise opponents when the competition really starts, when they take on Zimbabwe.

In a press conference attended by zealots nationalist like Shoaib Jatt and Yayha Hussaini , Malik also urged the team management for giving him more chances even if the opposition has quality fast bowlers, because they have done so for 20 years. Why change now, asked a defiant Malik.

He also claimed that his record in England and neither his performances in the past two years are reflective of his true potential, which is yet to be nurtured truly. “How can the coaches send me in when the opposition is bowling fast, asked a teary Malik. He argued that his talents should be judged against teams which do not express pace options like Sri Lanka and Zimbabwe.

He also stressed that ICC should look towards violent fast bowling as it could actually be a weapon of mass destruction. If the ICC doesn’t pay heed to his demands, the next course of action would be tweeting a request to the Donald, the man from Sialkot stressed.

Thanking his fan bois and gals, he promised that he will deliver the good whenever a team attacks him with spin.

“You have to defend me, like you are defending the pride of the nation”, Malik continued.

“How can you let 20 years’ worth of evidence and facts come in the way of national pride? Do you look at facts when your mother’s cooking is degraded? No you defend it. All my fan bois and gals, should be relentless in their whataboutery,” Malik insisted while staring dead into the camera.

“You can talk about why Sarfaraz took that single of that last ball of the over,” said Malik as he winked.

When a reporter asked how long he plans to play for Pakistan, Malik responded emphatically “as long as Sri Lanka and Zimbabwe play international cricket.”

After having missed 2011 World Cup due to unexplained $90,000 in his account and 2015 due to yahoodi sazish, Malik declared that he is fit enough to play the next two World Cups.

God save Pakistan Cricket, Malik thundered as he walked out of the press room. Sleazy journalist made jokes about Sunday’s opponents being Malik’s susral as Mickey Arthur walked in to explain how dropping Shadab Khan was the wisest move of them all.

the authorIfrah Salman